Tired

I had band last night, and it worked out well this week because Skip didn't have to go to work until 11.  So he stayed home and put Preston down while I was out.  I got home, watched a little TV, then went to bed.  Well, I should have known what the night was going to entail when I walked past Preston's crib just to check on him, and I couldn't feel him.  That's because I couldn't see that he was sitting up in the corner, looking right at me.  Kind of startling, but funny.  So I quietly laid him back down, then I went to bed.  At about 11:30 I woke up to him crying, which unfortunately has been happening a lot more lately in the middle of the night.  I don't know if it's his teeth or if he's having bad dreams or what, but usually if I just go in there and rub his back he'll go right back to sleep, usually for the rest of the night.  Not last night.

I went in there, and tried to get him back down, which he wasn't having.  So I ended up just bringing him into bed with me.  6 or 8 months ago he would've fallen right asleep in my arms, and I'd put him back in his crib after an hour or so.  Now, since he's really not in bed with us much anymore, he was wide awake.  Calm and quiet, but wide awake.  I was kind of dozing off, but I was too worried to completely fall asleep because I didn't want him either climbing or falling out of the bed.  I had visions of him escaping down the stairs and out the back door... Plus, every couple of minutes I'd feel this little finger poking my cheek or picking my nose, and I'd open my eyes and see these little beady black spots two inches from my face... So neither of us was sleeping.  However, every time I'd put him back in his crib he'd be fine for a few minutes, then soon be crying hysterically for me.

We went back and forth like this for probably 3 hours between my bed and putting him back in his crib.  I finally gave him some motrin and rocked him in his room for a little while, I think this all has to do with teething, and then I finally left him in there to cry it out.  I felt horrible, but I knew he would fall asleep eventually.  It really was only like 10 minutes, but it felt like forever.

So this morning, I go to wake him up, and he was like a zombie.  A smiling one, but a zombie nonetheless.  Our babysitter Cassandra's son has been in the hospital for the past week-and-a-half following a burst appendix, so we've been having a different babysitting setup each day. Sarison's helped, and yesterday my dad came up.  Today, it is the backup plan that the college offers, which means Preston is in the daycare facility right across the street from the college.  It's a wonderful plan that allows us to "drop in" when needed, up to 8 days per year, and the college subsidizes the whole day, except a small copay from us (it seriously is a great benefit).  We've used it twice this year, and Preston does okay.  It's different, but he's pretty flexible.  Except today.  I dropped him off and he was like a little monkey, completely clinging to my shirt, then to my pants when I put him down.  I ended up leaving him with arms outstretched to me, bawling.  I felt so bad.  I know he'll have fun, but he doesn't nap well there, so I know today is going to be tough.  I hope I don't have to pick him up mid-day, but if I do, I'll gladly get him and cuddle him the rest of the day!

So I'm tired today.  Being tired makes my days even longer than they already are, and brings up all those pooey feelings I have about resenting my job and how it interferes with my life.  I wish I could have stayed home with Preston today and not have had to drop him off in a relatively unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people when he's not himself.  It killed me to see my normally smiley little blondie just needing me so much, but I just left him.  Then there's the little voice inside my head that tells me to suck it up because I need the job and the insurance.  Urgh. 

Okay, venting done.  I can't wait til I can go get my guy and hang out at home with him tonight, and let him cuddle all he wants.